Previous Issue: #25
Dear Suspect Press,
I want to know if you all want some CBD treats. Also, what’s like your magazine’s manifesto? You can tell me if you like CBD treats, then like you guys can pay to advertise with us. That sound good?
Are you all looking for a trained guard? I see you all live downtown and I know it can be dangerous but I could help protect you all. I’m guessing since you put together an arts magazine that you all are kind of wimpy and could use some protection. Don’t worry, I won’t judge you. I’m 35 and spent the last 25 years learning all sorts of martial arts. I know: Krav Maga, Jujitsu (Brazillian and the asian kind), Karate, Taekwondo, and Kung-Fu. I know how to knock out a 250 lbs dude in 10 seconds flat with a flying drop-kick. I can punch a hole through a 2-inch wood panel and dent a metal car. I’m not exaggerating or joking! I can come by and show you all if you want. Or, if you want me to be more stealthy, I could surprise attack you all when I track you throughout the city. Just let me know. Oh, also I’m a vegetarian.
I have opinions about art, and I’m not sure what to do with them. Are they worth money? I know that art is worth money because I know someone who bought some art. He told me that art is about ideas. If ideas are worth money, then surely ideas about ideas must be worth something? And what about social media? I’m told people have opinions on social media all the time. Why would they spend their time writing all those opinions if they weren’t getting paid? I’ve also heard that time is money. So if I take the time to have opinions, shouldn’t I get some money out of it? I guess what I’m saying is, please tell me what to do with my time and opinions.
-Turner Blanchard, Esq.
Dear Suspect Press,
Oh boy did I really dook my cruisers on this one. I know this is going to sound crazy, but I have accidentally locked myself in my bathroom. I’m really starting to panic here. It all started after I finished doing my business. I tenderly washed my hands and then reached to the doorknob, but when I turned the handle I couldn’t get it to open. Turns out I had just forgotten that I had locked it. That was my first big mistake. So I unlocked it. Then I again tried to open the door but it wouldn’t budge. Oh that’s right I forgot about the padlock. I’m starting to get into some real trouble now. So I got rid of the padlock. Then when I went to open the door again the whole ding dang doorknob just came right out of the door. My palms we’re getting sweaty, and I needed time to think. I realized that maybe I would be able to problem solve a little better if I wasn’t so dang hungry. So I ordered a pizza. I had the delivery guy come around the back of my place. I live on the second floor, so I had to have him frisbee that golden baby right up to me. Worked like a god dang charm. After I ate the pizza I hurled my body at the bathroom door over and over again for about a half an hour, but then my neighbor told me to keep it down. I’m sending this message to you via carrier pigeon. I was lucky that I was able to flag one down. I’m starting to run out of options here, and I’m getting really worried. If you could come over to my place, and maybe try opening the door from the other side that might work? I dunno I’m just spitballing ideas here.
Jacob Tyler Fairly
PS I am very afraid of the coronavirus.