Winter/2020 Letters to the Editor

Previous Issue: #24


Dear Editors,
I wanted to take some time to tell you what a big fan of Philip Tran I am. He is an incredible and humble man and pretty much the coolest person I have ever met. He is just wonderful. I would sincerely consider submitting odes to your magazine on how much I love Philip Tran. He is a real gem. Did I say he’s the coolest person? He is the coolest person. A plus.

Sincerely,
–Not Philip Tran

Dear Madam Speaker:
I write to express my strongest and most powerful protest against the Suspect Press crusade being pursued by the Editors in the House of Denver Representatives. This magazine represents an unprecedented and unconstitutional abuse of power by local queer pagan hipsters, unequaled in nearly two and a half centuries of American literature history.
I have no doubt the American people will hold you and your hipster friends fully responsible in the upcoming year. They will not soon forgive your perversion of justice and abuse of power.
One hundred years from now, when people look back at this magazine, I want them to understand it, and learn from it so that it can never again be read by another racist, homophobic, transphobic, xenophobic, misogynist, bigot President again.

Sincerely yours,
D.J.T.

Dear Suspect Press,
I just wanted to let you know that I really enjoy your mag. My favorite thing to do is to scour it so I can friend your contributors on social media. I’m wondering if you all could make sure to put EVERY ONE of your contributors’ images in the magazine. I mean, eventually, I can find out what they look like when I search their names on social media, but sometimes it takes me a bit to find out who it is exactly. I’m just saying it would save me a lot of time trying to figure out who’s hot or not so I can ask them out or at least stalk them. I mean you all have some really hot contributors, it’s so much better than using all those shallow dating apps. Those people are such fakes. Whereas in your mag, I can totally tell these are really real people making art and shit. Anyways, thanks so much again, and consider what I’m asking.

– Brenden McKenzie

From the editor: We have and NO. Please don’t do this, people. Yes, be excited for our creators creating, but don’t use this magazine in lieu of a dating scheme.

Dear Suspect Press, 
This is my friend’s favorite magazine ever, like he fucking loves it—counts down the year in quarters loves it.  He’s the best guy ever, so I thought I’d write him a little something something for his birthday to show how much I care and tell you a little bit about your number one fan.
You can bet your bottom dollar there have been a lot of big Dicks in this world, and little ones too.  Yeah, there’s been fat ones, skinny ones, white ones, black ones, Jewish ones, Christian ones, old ones, young ones, The list goes on and on, it’s pretty much Dicks for days. Everyone’s wife/husband or girlfriend/boyfriend have had a few Dicks in their lives, some probably more than others. Just the other day my friend Ray’s girlfriend said she was in a room full of Dicks. She literally said, “Dicks were everywhere. ”  I imagined them in a circle around her.  
There was even some famous Dicks, like Dicks that sang and danced, Dicks that played guitar really well, Dicks that acted and won academy awards.  There’s been King Dicks and Dicks that play sports with balls, all sorts of Dicks. At one point, we even let a Dick run the country.   
Anyways my point is there are all sorts of Dicks out there; different shapes, sizes, and temperaments.  But dearest Suspect Press, my seven-foot, three-hundred and twenty pound friend Richard is by far the biggest and best Dick I know. Happy Birthday big man!

Thanks!
A best friend

Dear Suspect Press, 
Digging through a Denver trashcan for some dinner I found your magazine and noticed you also have a publishing house, which is just perfect for me.  I wrote a new novel and here’s the pitch. It’s a working title, but for now it’s called We’re in Trouble Now, and it goes like this.
In a place far away from earth there existed two planets, Gotta-lotia (Got-A-Lot-ea) and Diddly (Ain’t got shit).  One planet, Gottalotia, had loads of resources; so much that they shared them with the Diddlyans. In fact, over time the Diddlyans asked if they could come help settle Gottalotia, and the Gottalotians said sure! And things were like that for centuries.  
Until one day a group of Gottalotians decided they didn’t like Diddlyans anymore, in fact they fucking despised them.  Diddlyans caused problems and didn’t pay their taxes, took jobs from Gottalotians, and such. The group called themselves the New Gottalotians and they believed all Diddlyans should be kicked out of Gottalotia and began deporting them.  Oddly enough after all the Diddlyans were gone, the New Gottaltians started disliking other Gottalians, and soon enough the planet plunged into civil war. And so the cycle repeated, over and over, generation after generation of death and destruction until eventually Gottalotia was no longer a nice place to live, all of its resources used up.  In the end what was left of the population were forced to abandon their war torn planet and move to Diddly, where the recently formed Republic of Diddlyans were waiting. 

–Kilgore Trout.   

Liked it? Take a second to support Suspect Press on Patreon!