By Nicholai Roscoe
TO: All Employees
RE: Our Acquisition of The Muses
Thank you all for your assistance in making our recent transition as smooth as possible. We’ve had a hectic year, but our decision to pivot into the acquisition of unorthodox assets has been incredibly fruitful.
We’d like to give a special thanks to Linda, who’s had a great eye this quarter. Our competitors had assumed a cursed monkey’s paw would be worthless, but Linda was able to turn it over for a tidy profit to a movie studio (who are elated to have it as a plot device). As a reminder, when reviewing potential acquisitions, be sure to do adequate research. As Bradley learned, the difference between a genie and a djinn can be what separates a bountiful purchase from an expensive lawsuit.
Please keep the chimera leashed until we are able to find it a new mascot position, it’s been drinking all of the LaCroix out of the breakroom fridge.
As many of you know, the Greek economy is facing a large debt and has been forced into making creative solutions with their resources. Our high bid to the pantheon of gods awarded our company the contracts of the Muses—goddesses of inspiration. Originally it was prudent to have nine Muses, one for each art form at the time. However, just as the Olympics continually updates its sporting events, so too must we modernize our selection of arts with Muses. Tug of war doesn’t have the pull it once did, and neither does epic poetry.
Starting with the most unpleasant business, some positions will be terminated due to outdated and unprofitable duties, while others will be pivoting in a new direction.
- Calliope, Erato, and Polyhymnia: Epic poetry, love poetry, and hymns just aren’t producing the blockbuster smash-hits they once did. We wish you luck in your pursuits.
- Clio, Muse of history, and Urania, Muse of astronomy: Astronomy does not require much creativity and, as the fake news epidemic has shown, history suffers from it. Thank you for your devoted service over the last millenia.
- Melpomene: Unfortunately your role exposes our company to litigation, so we cannot afford to continue employing a Muse of tragedy. We are confident you will continue to excel on any path you take.
- Terpsichore, Muse of dance: You were a dutiful worker but we will be going in a different direction to be inclusive of the caucasian demographic. We appreciate your efforts, please pick up your knee-highs from human resources.
- Euterpe, the musical Muse: We commend you in your willingness to work with artists of all ethnicities, but It seems your talents have been overwhelmingly used to inspire the beautiful. Please assist more ugly people in their pursuit of singing.
- Our thoughts are with Thalia, Muse of comedy, as she takes a leave of absence to recover from some rather ugly and private matters. The position will remain vacant until her return—there is already an overabundance of Netflix stand-up specials.
Moving forward, we will be introducing several new Muse appointments, to be posted publicly prior to allowing internal applications. Although the nine daughters of Mnemosyne and Zeus were originally awarded the jobs, nepotism will not be tolerated in the coming round of hiring (looking at you, Bradley). Additionally, due to modern discrimination laws, we can no longer employ exclusively Greek water nymphs. All species and genders, aquatic and otherwise, will be considered.
- Muse of dance: In finding a replacement for this position, we are looking for a candidate who can work closely with white communities. We simply can’t afford another Harlem Shake debacle.
- Muse of vlogging: With the ever-growing reach of video, we need a self-starter who can expand beyond people reacting to things, putting on makeup, or playing computer games.
- Muse of app design: Instagram and Snapchat have been essential in the consumption of art in the age of technology. We’d love to have a stake in a hit platform.
- Muse of listicles: Tell us the top five reasons you’re cut out for the job.
- Muse of memes: We’re seeking an internet-scholar who appreciates Pepe the Frog and Salt Bae like an oil painter appreciates Picasso.
- 5000+ years experience in similar god/goddess position required
- Only polylingual applicants will be considered
- Must be able to work remotely and speak in a whisper
- Proficiency with Microsoft Office
- Competitive wage
- Generous 401k package
- Eternal life
I hope to see you all at the mandatory meet-and-greet this afternoon at the pools of Mt. Olympus.
Nicholai Roscoe is a Denver-based standup comedian and freelance writer. His neuroscience degree has afforded him ample student loans and looks nice on the wall. He performs regularly around the country and contributes to the popular satire website The Hard Times.