1 – On Bethany Jackson’s lap during a house party in the eighth grade. Alcohol was new. Shame was not. She was very nice about the whole thing.
2 – In the grass outside of the Baptist Church on Quincy and Chambers. I was 16 and had spent the night trading shots of Smirnoff with Sarah Walker while watching Pulp Fiction and listening to Stabbing Westward. I was waiting until I got brave enough to tell her I was in love with her. At one point during the dance scene, she left to vomit in her bathroom. When she came back, I took her hand and said Sarah, I’m in love with you. She said shit, really? Then I vomited on myself and said, I’m sorry, I just vomited on myself. She said Let go of my hand. I walked past her parents covered in the Burger King I had eaten that afternoon. On the walk home I saw the grass outside of the church and it looked very comfortable.
3 – In the bushes of a Best Western on the final night of the 2009 National Poetry slam. We were in West Palm Beach so it was very warm. We were in West Palm Beach so the bushes probably grew syringes instead of oranges. I believe I was hanging out with the team from Seattle when I declared that I was done drinking for the night and was planning on falling asleep in the bushes. Then I think it was Paulie Lipman who said, no don’t do it. Then I did it anyway. I woke up the next morning disoriented but surprisingly well rested. I made it to the airport on time. It was chill.
4 – In the kitchen at City O City. I was the morning prep cook. My shift started at 6 am. I fell asleep on top of the apron bags in the loft because I had been drinking the night before. The manager caught me and asked what I was doing. I told her that breakfast wasn’t going to be made that day. She told me I was no longer employed at City O City. After that I had no choice but to become a full time writer and this is why Dan Landes tells everyone that he was the one who discovered me.
5 - Underneath an American Flag that I had stolen off the roof of the Brown Palace. Fearing I would be haunted by the ghost of Molly Brown for the rest of my life, I returned it by the Broadway entrance with a note attached that said: We are very sorry we took your flag, we didn’t nothing by it. Prometheus was wrong. Thanx, management.
6 – On the Q train in Brooklyn. I woke up in Coney Island around 5 am. I decided to just sit there and wait for the sunrise. I tried taking a different route home and got so lost I ended up in Queens wondering where Peter Parker lived. I ate an egg sandwich from a random bodega and tried calling my Mom in New Mexico but my phone died halfway after the first ring. I kept waiting to sober up but it never happened.