Letters to the Editor

Previous Issue: #20

Dear Suspect Press,

We, the National Blue Association, appreciate your work highly. It makes expert use of the color blue; #00FFFF (aquamarine),#008080(teal), #0000FF (navy)—all great. We must say however, considering how much the magazine prides itself on diversity and an alliance to the marginalized, that there are some underrepresented blues that we’d like to see more of. There are several shades of blue like #799ODB (periwinkle) and #69728C (slate tuletone) that are simply missing, or otherwise seldom spotted. We’d perhaps be interested in a partnership in being able to make sure that all of the blues succeed in their appropriate capacities. We are also glad to say that we’ve done more outreach work than the National Green Association, whose office fire had nothing to do with us, we promise. As for the National Red Association they get enough hate mail already because everyone confuses them for the other NRA, so they can’t do that much activism. They’re still shaken from the last parade.

—Lawrence Green, Dave Black, Judy Brown, and Steve White

Dear Suspect Press,

I was glad to see that Zak Kinsella’s comic on the ghosts of Georgetown left room for doubt of the identity of the ghost in the noose. I know for a fact that the ghost in question is George Wilcox! He was wrongly accused of horse thieving and hung by some crooked Pinkertons.

How do I know? We are engaged! The ceremony will be graveside on New Year’s Eve at midnight. Everyone is invited. George is eager to put the past behind him and trade the noose for the bonds of matrimony. 

Sincerely,

Catherine Garland (soon to be Wilcox!)

Dear Suspect Press, 

I am writing this from the 50th floor penthouse of a luxury condo high-rise in downtown Denver. If I squint my eyes, I can just make out the ant-like creatures scurrying about on the sidewalks below, and I think I can even see the quaint little building where your office is located. 

I’m writing to thank you for producing your darling little magazine, as it makes a nice floor-covering when my komodo dragon suffers a UTI and can’t make it to her litter box. I’ve just had the floors tiled in ivory I’ve imported from Zambia (thanks for lifting the ban Mr. President!) so I’m most grateful for your absorbent newsprint. 

Oh, and my husband just shouted his own thank you from down the hall in his study (I almost can’t hear him, it’s so far away!) as he finds Suspect Press to be an excellent source of kindling in our ten-foot fireplace, as well as a handy torch for his cigars when he can’t find a $100 bill. 

—Milo Pemberton

Dear Editors,

Here’s a poem for you all:

Here I sit all broken-hearted,

I came to shit, but only farted.

Now, I bet I know what you’re thinking, that I didn’t write that, and you’d be right. The fact that I use others’ poems is a statement itself on the mass cultural appropriation of the arts throughout history. If you want to read my dissertation on the subject, feel free to write me.

–David Fraser Walach

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